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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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Then, I head over to the park near the river. It’s called the Cherniakhiv River Park or something. I sit on a bench, just chillin’, and I see this group of kids playing soccer. They’re all yelling and laughing, and I can’t help but smile. It’s like a scene from a movie. But then, one of the kids kicks the ball too hard, and it lands right in the river. I’m like, “Oh no, not the river!” But the kid just jumps in after it. I’m thinking, “Is this kid part fish or what?”

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